


Consider The Stars

by anouksayslou



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Suicidal Thoughts, Underage Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-30
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-26 18:28:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18287837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anouksayslou/pseuds/anouksayslou
Summary: The world is split in half by a giant clock pendulum. He always knew this.The world through Eliott's eyes.





	1. Prologue

The world is split in half by a clock pendulum. He always knew this.

When he was a child, this is how his grandfather explained everything to him: there’s a giant clock counting down our time in this world. _It will stop one day for everyone, even for you._ His grandfather used to laugh with his whole body. His clock stopped ticking long before Eliott could understand that kind of laughing.

There’s a big clock pendulum in his mind, moving from one side to another in small, controlled movements. On his right side, the world is moving slower, its speed the same as Eliott's breathing. This is where the part of his mind reserved for his family. This is where Lucas is, most of the time. This is a space for tasty food, his drawings, his music, dancing, for his friends.

On the other side, the whole world is a mess, trembling, shaking, spinning in circles. This is the place where he hides his failures, his past relationships with people whose names he can’t remember today. That messy place is calling him, tempting him. When he goes there the silence in him grows while the outside noise consumes him. The only time he ever felt like that was when he was at a concert or when he has sex. A climax is always followed by silence. He is addicted to that kind of silence.

The pendulum never stops moving. When it speeds up there's a special kind of blue that surrounds him. Blue like the galaxies. Blue like the forest at night. Blue like the winter mornings at the bus stop. Blue like the frost on his fingers when he's naked in the snow. Blue like Lucas' eyes. Calming. Guiding him through the fog.

If he plays all his cards right, if he hides the ugliest pieces of him then everything will remain the same. Lucas will stay.

If everything goes wrong and he makes all the wrong choices, this time he will forcefully stop the pendulum. He will watch everything slow down once more, his exhaustion gone, as his despair will be.

 Eliott quietly observes the pendulum. The world starts spinning again. It's time to start counting.

 


	2. Zero

 

When he was first diagnosed there was a relief in everyone’s eyes because they finally knew what was wrong with him. His mother immediately went into survivor mode, having lived the whole thing with her own father before. His father started reading and working, reading and working all the time. His parents knew the names of every doctor in the country and when they stopped trusting their advice, they started learning more about psychology themselves. Soon they started moving around, looking for different doctors' opinions and then for alternative treatments. To Norway, to Italy, to Paris. He changed school twice before his parents were called in to talk to the principal about the possibility of him not graduating because of his horrible attendance.

 _Don’t_ worry _about that_ , they said, trying to make it seem normal, the fact that he was going to school only once or twice a week.

However, he had to change school once more after he caused a fire in the school gym and made a wall full of obscene art.

 _He is not well_ , he heard his mother explain to the principal. They were in school just after New Year’s, on a Sunday, Eliott waiting for his mother to explain what essentially couldn’t be explained.

 _I know this,_ the principal’s voice was cold, _and this is why we’re not pressing charges._ _But I think it would be better for your son to be in an environment where the other students don’t know about his condition._

_So you think he should change schools again? This close to graduation?_

_I can help you with that. My friend at Lycée Dorian will be more than sympathetic._

There was probably nothing worse than his mother making it seem like it wasn’t his fault at all.

 _Eli_ , she told him, sitting beside him on the staircase, _we have to do this one more time._

_I’m sorry, mom._

_Don’t be sorry. Just try to do what the doctor advised you to do and I will try t_ o _do everything I can to help you. High schools aren’t designed for every individual._

She put her head on his shoulder. Eliott felt like crying.

 _She worries about you all the time,_ his father explained, _and she feels guilty in a way._

_Guilty? Why?_

_When she found out that she's pregnant she believed you're safe from the illness because the doctors told her that she had the 30 percent chance of having bipolar and she never showed any symptoms. She thinks she should've been more prepared._

_That’s stupid of her._

_That's very parent-y of her, I think. We always feel guilty about something. Trust me, most of the time we're right._

But it doesn’t really work that way. His mother’s constant worry and stern demeanor can’t help. His father enrolling in yet another college to better understand the human psyche didn’t help. Meeting Lucille at a party and breaking down in front of her after only two weeks of dating, having her accept him unconditionally helped only for a couple of weeks. His brain was still racing. Nothing he did could make his thoughts move in a controlled, linear way. Everything was almost always running in circles. He was supposed to recognize the components of that confusing and unforgivable mush and pull a reasonable pattern of thinking from it. He was supposed to live as if every atom of his being wasn't trying to race until the end and then explode.

Death became his obsession. Stars and galaxies too.

 

He fell in love with a boy and came out as gay to his parents, sobbing uncontrollably on his mother’s lap, while his father starred at him perplexed. He became obsessed with his mother’s friend, a much older woman and he had to come out all over again. His father talked to him about bisexuality, surprisingly from his own experience. His mother listened. She knew, of course. (His parents are insanely romantic, still slow dancing to old jazz music every Saturday night in the living room. He knows he’ll be trying most of his life to be more like them. He also knows he probably failed at the start of his life.)

His manic episodes became a curse and a blessing in disguise. It’s weird and embarrassing feeling but he loved the days and weeks of his hypomania immensely. He learned new languages, he learned how to play instruments he never even knew existed, he went to wild parties and got away with shit because he was handsome and he looked older. he didn' need sleep. He woke his parents and his girlfriends up in the middle of the night to tell them how much they mean to him. He wrote them letters. He made music pieces as birthday gifts. He couldn't remember what it was like to be calm. And then the calmness came down on him. His burden. His embarrassment. Everything seemed pointless. Death became the easy way out. There are dozens of times when he would just take the razor out and sat on the toilet bowl, starring at his hands, wondering if that day was the day when it finally stopped. Everything came back to him after that, everything he was trying to forget. The cheating. Sneaking out. The drugs. Unprotected sex. Nameless strangers. Screaming in public places. People being afraid of him. 

 _My father always told me his mind was a dark cloud spinning in circles and that he’d spend half of his life trying to pull out a happy thought from the air around him,_ his mother told him.

_Did it work?_

_Sometimes. But he told me my mother was keeping him afloat most of the time._

He decided it was Lucille who will keep him on the surface. There was no one more understanding, more dedicated to making it work with him. He liked the way she made herself smaller when he hugged her. Three months after they started dating his parents called her in for dinner. His father was impressed with her grades and her music taste. His mother put her hand on Lucille’s knee and teared up while she talked about her alcoholic father.

 _She has such a nurturing nature,_  his mother told him later when they were doing the dishes together, _I think she’s good for you._

The first time his mother was angry at him in years, was actually because of Lucille. 

_She told me you cheated on her._

_We were at a music festival. I had too much to drink._

_Don’t use that as an excuse. You should know better than to get drunk and cheat on someone who loves you._

Lucille didn’t talk to him for weeks. The worst depression episode of his life started. He watched too many romantic comedies. He daydreamed about standing in front of her house holding up a beatbox. He sent her letters even though she lived just five minutes apart.

 _I can’t live without you_ , he wrote to her and he actually meant it, _it’s like there’s an ocean around me and I’m all alone and you’re the only one who can keep me from wandering off too far._

There were others after that and Lucille knew. His mother knew although she refused to comment. He even talked about it himself, breaking up with Lucille every couple of weeks because he wanted to be honest, absolutely certain that he’s in love this time. He almost never was. Later he would feel ashamed. The love he dreamed of never existed. Two souls couldn't recognize each other in the crowd. Loving Lucille was good enough.

In their second year of high school, he began drawing obsessively. When human anatomy became too difficult to emulate he started sketching miniature animals.

 _This is me,_ he showed her a small raccoon because he wanted her to understand, _I love him so much._

 _I can see that,_ Lucille nodded. _It’s because you’re clever and cute but you also cause chaos all the time._

It wasn’t what he actually hoped she’d say but it was close enough.

 _What’s the animal you identify with?_ He asked her. _I want to draw something for you._

 _Hmmm,_ she said, looking down at their intertwined fingers. _A cat,_ _maybe_ _?_ It made enough sense to him. He sent her drawings of cats, flirty figures in dresses, taking care of sleeping raccoons, dancing in the moonlight.

 _I will get married to the moon,_  he’d tell her because that was his nickname for her and she’d kiss his forehead, suddenly beaming with pride.

 

The doctors told him he should take three types of medicine almost every day all his life. It seemed absurd to him. So final. Driving on the passenger seat had the exact same effect as the drugs. Loud music did too. Sex made him feel better. Just sleeping next to his girlfriend was more comforting than medicine. This is what he said to himself before he secretly quit taking his medicine for months. Before he ran away with some friends and drew naked figures on the walls of the school gym and then tried to set it on fire because the PE teacher told everyone Eliott needed special treatment. If he was on the ocean alone and Lucille was looking after him, the medicine was the boat keeping him alive.

 

The next day he was expected to leave everything behind. His friends, his Polaris project, his old apartment, his old doctor. He would go to a new school just before the final exams that terrified him to no end. He would see Lucille even less because she started working and studying for college.

 _We’re getting you a place near the school to show you that we trust you._ His father told him. They were on their morning run. (Eliott had to exercise every day for at least an hour.)

_Was that your idea?_

_Of course._

_Isn’t it a bit weird though? I_ _just_ _proved I can’t take care of myself._

 _Do you really think_ _that?_ His father asked him suddenly. _That you are incapable of caring for yourself?_

Eliott stopped, words stuck in his throat. _That’s what everyone keeps telling me._

His father nodded. _You have to decide for yourself if you want to believe it. And it’s not like we’re leaving you on your own. We will stay with you every weekend, young man. And we will check up on you constantly._

That night he told Lucille he needs to take some time for himself. He deleted all of his social media accounts. This was the last fresh start. If he wasn’t able to make this work now, he’ll never be.


	3. Dark.

**__** _  
_

When he looks back on the first day of school he remembers the cold. The cold and the trembling of his fingers. There was music playing. Something by The Knife, maybe.

Some strange man opened the door for him. The outside of the school was strangely white. Sickly even. For some reason, Imane was there. He thought for a split second about going to her. After all, she was always nice to him. But he couldn’t. Not after everything that happened. How much she actually knew? How much Eliott himself remembered from that period, maybe the worst period of his life? The world was split in two, the darkness and the light. He was in the darkness now. It felt familiar.

And then, a voice. No, a smile. No, a colour. A boy. It felt like waking up from a long sleep. The boy never looked back.

 

That night he took Lucille out for the first time in weeks.

_ Do you believe in love at first sight? _ He asked her because he needed to talk to someone about this and she was his only friend in the world. 

_ I believe in some kind of connection at first sight. Love, not so much. Love is work. What happened? _   She smiled.  _ Did you meet someone again?  _ Something in her condescending tone made him angry. She was right, anyway. He was being ridiculous.

The next few weeks felt like hypomanic state, although the real thing never lasted that long. Lucas, his name was Lucas. He was tiny. He had many friends who looked at him as if he was the sun. He had messy hair Eliott wanted to touch it since the first moment they talked. But he had to be patient about this. Cunning even. There was something in Lucas’ eyes, some sadness Eliott recognized because it looked much like his own.

He was fast to invite him to his home, he even showed him the drawings he made. Looking back, he knew it was careless because Lucas could've figured everything out from these drawings. 

The first time they were alone Eliott was already ready to kiss him. Lucille’s message brought him back to reality. He had to take this slowly.

 

That night he couldn’t sleep.  _ When you start a new relationship, you have to almost double the dose of your medicine _ , the doctor told him,  _ because falling in love is a great stress for your whole body _ . He bought a new art journal and started sketching obsessively. Snakes, rats, kittens, foxes, none of it quite worked. He couldn’t decide what animal Lucas was supposed to be. He missed school and studied alone instead. He got into a fight with a teacher when he tried to take his journal. After that, he avoided everyone from his class. They all probably thought he was insane.

 

He couldn't forget that night with Lucas. Nobody played piano for him before. Nobody made him feel so relaxed, not even his best friends from a past life he couldn’t afford to remember now. When the need to see him became too strong to ignore, he invited Lucille to a party. She was in a good mood and she let him drink more than other times. She looked beautiful and she was excited to be introduced to his new friends from the common room. Eliott felt guilty because he could only think about Lucas. Lucas, who kissed a very pretty girl in the schoolyard earlier that day. Lucas, who wandered around school with his friends, never alone, never not smiling. 

The next time their eyes met Lucas was kissing his girl. But his eyes were open. His blue eyes, staring straight into Eliott’s eyes. He kissed Lucille the way he wanted to kiss Lucas, never breaking the eye contact with him. The other boy must’ve known. Surely he must’ve known then. They talked once more. Eliott couldn't kiss him again.

 

The next day he couldn’t get out of bed. _ Alcohol is a depressant _ , a girl he subscribed to on YouTube told,  _ in the beginning, it has the same effect as your mood stabilizers but then you fall into the worst depression episode of your life. That’s why I chose to stop drinking completely _ . She too had bipolar so he watched all her videos constantly. It felt like she knew him as if she talked to him personally. She was also very religious, which reminded Eliott of some other times he wanted to forget. His parents were never religious. Falling in love with a religious boy in the past changed him forever. 

And maybe it was alcohol or maybe it was the fact that Lucille stayed at his place far longer than she should’ve. Everything she did made him angry: the way she made him feel like an idiot for drinking at all, the way she checked every place in his apartment for hidden weed, the way she talked to his mother on the phone as if he wasn’t there at all.

_ Just stop _ , he begged her.

_ I’ll be there all your life, Eliott. I have to take care of you. I love you. _

He knew she loved him. He loved her too, in a way. That’s why everything was so much harder.

_ I’m thinking about moving in soon _ . She said.  _ That way I can be always there for you? What do you think? _

_ I think we should talk about it some other day. _

That was not what she wanted to hear. She stayed one more night and then she went to her place to study. He only felt relief. Tomorrow he could finally meet Lucas again.

But Lucas was still with the girl who talked too much. Who brought Lucille into this mess. Who kissed Lucas in front of him and made him want to break things. He couldn’t wait to leave both of the girls behind at their double date. Running with Lucas through the city at night made his breathing easier. He knew already where he wanted to take him. There was only one place that was Eliott’s alone, unspoiled by anyone he knew. La Petite Ceinture. The place he discovered years ago. His quiet place. 

They kissed. It was just like in the story he mae up to save his own life. The world came crashing down on him.

Lucille was the first one to know.

_ It’s different this time, he said. My soul recognized him. I wouldn’t do this to you if I had any other choice. _

She stopped folding her clothes.  _ I see, _ she said. She didn’t believe him.

_ I want to be honest with you. I always wanted to be honest with you. I don’t want to cheat on you. I don’t want you to suffer. But all my life I was dreaming about someone who will have the twin part of my soul. _

She nodded _. I remember you saying that once before. _

_ Stop. _

_ No, I remember. I know you remember too. _

_ This is not the same. _

_ It isn’t? As far as I remember the last time, it was much worse. The last time you tried to… _

_ Don’t say it. _

_ Well, it is the truth. You did that because at the time you believed you loved someone too. _

_ I did love him. _

_It wasn’t love_ , she said, her eyes completely dark. _It was an obsession_ _that almost killed you. This time don’t come back to me when he makes you sad or when he runs away because you said something intense. I’ve had enough of my friends laughing at me. No one will love you as I loved you._

She slammed the door at his face. 

But she was right, of course. Not about his feelings because with Lucas it felt like everything fell into its place. She was right about him not understanding this. Lucas was too angry. Angry about his mentally ill mother, angry at his father, angry at the world. Nobody knew Lucas was gay, he wasn’t even sure he wanted anyone to know. There was no way he could understand Eliott’s condition. 

He went back to Lucille but the whole night with her felt like a manic episode. He forgot to refill the meds. He felt fine. She was beautiful. She whispered:  _ Why can’t you just love someone who loves you this much? _ They went to a party. The kissed. They went back to his place. They had sex. While she slept he sat on the bed counting down the second until the sunrise. When Lucille went home he wrote and deleted messages to Lucas for hours. This time he felt bad only for a day before he went to school. He had to at least see Lucas again. He had to tell him everything somehow.

Lucas was angry at him. He expected that. What Eliott didn’t expect was how much he needed Lucas. How overwhelming the need to touch him was. How final everything looked now that Lucas didn’t even want to see him. 

He went back to the place where they had their first kiss and just sat there for hours, looking at Lucas’ Instagram pictures.

After that, he didn’t need to tell Lucille much. She saw it in his eyes. It was over. No matter what happened, no matter if he ever gets together with Lucas, it’s over with her. She turned away from him gracefully but he could see her shoulders shake.

His mother called him. He almost didn’t answer, afraid that she’d beg him to reconsider. She didn’t talk much in the beginning but he knew Lucille already told her.

_ It’s different this time, mom. _

_ Okay, baby. I trust you. But are you happy? _

He wasn’t happy. There’s only one way he could ever be happy.

 

He sneaks into Lucas’ changing room and leaves him another drawing. He reads Virginia Woolf constantly. (He memorized most of her letters and diaries by heart but now he wants to understand her novels.) The way she talks about her love for Virginia, the way she lets herself be consumed by love, that’s what he always wanted.

_ It’s only you that matters _ , he tells Lucas and he knows he’ll be fine even if he’s rejected. He just needs Lucas to know. When they finally kiss, it’s not enough. Touching skin was their secret language. It isn’t just sex, not with Lucas. It’s the consuming need to touch him, to feel his heart on his own heart, to feel the heat of his skin, the smell oh his hair. Lucas kisses him eagerly, makes sure to look him in the eyes, makes sure to show how much he missed him. At that moment Eliott feels Lucas’ love and it’s better than any drug he ever tried. It’s intoxicating. He could die just from this feeling.

They are covered in the paint even after a quick wash up in the changing rooms. They can’t be on the bus. Lucas refuses to let go of Eliott’s hand, kissing his knuckles ever so often. Eliott lets himself be guided through the streets around midnight, lets other people, scary people, look at them walking together. They are walking on clouds.

Only days later it happens. The inevitable. Because he missed all the warning signs. Because he forgot how similar mania was to happiness. Maybe this time it wouldn’t happen, he thought. Maybe it was OK if he smoked a joint or if he didn’t sleep for two nights because he was planning a perfect date. Before he even realized what was happening, he was alone by the road at midnight, naked and freezing. Lucas was so far away.

His father came to pick him up. Lucille was there too, of course. She was his emergency contact, after all. In case he had to hide something from his mother. In case something like this happened.

At first, he couldn’t even speak to his parents. They were talking but he couldn’t hear them. He talked too and they were listening but he couldn’t remember his own words. He asked for paper because he needed to draw. He screamed. He cried. He told them they need to call Lucas. Lucille told him Lucas was coming very soon and that’s the only thing that helped him fall asleep.

His mother refused to leave him for days. She made him chamomile tea. She argued with his father. She made him take meds. Nothing helped. This time, when he crashed, it felt like dying. It felt like floating paralyzed in the air with only two small strings holding him tied to the ground. He dreamed of galaxies spinning in circles, leaving only blue traces behind. Blue like the water at midnight. Blue like the covers on Lucas’ bed. Blue like Lucas’ jacket. Blue. Blue. Blue.

He knew his parents were discussing making him go back to their place. He felt nothing. He knew his mom asked Lucille if Lucas was someone they could trust. He knew Lucille probably told Lucas everything. If he was able to cry, he would cry for days.

On Friday evening, he managed to get dressed and sneak out. He went to the only place where he wanted to be. La Petite Ceinture. The only place where he was alone. The only place where he could be free. Once again he was ready to end it all. It felt like nothing, dying. He almost did it once before.

From the darkness, he heard Lucas calling him. He couldn’t see him, there was still a dark fog everywhere around him. But he could hear him whisper, again and again. He could feel the tears on his cheeks and gentle kisses on his forehead. He could hear Lucas swearing he’s not leaving this time. He put his head on Lucas’ shoulder. Finally, he could breathe.

 


End file.
